What's the difference between jam and jelly?
You can't pump up the jelly
We'll all miss Grandma this Christmas, but I know she'll be looking down on us...
...waiting for the stairlift repair man
I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda
It was more of a Fanta sea
I just got a job testing a new erectile dysfunction medication.
The starting pay isn't great but I'm hoping to get a raise soon.
I quit my job as an underwater diver.
Deep down, it just wasn't for me.
"Tell your fortune! Only $40!" she offered, shuffling her tarot deck
"No thanks," I said as I passed.
"How about today special! $25!"
"Nope!" I replied.
"Okay, for you, one time only, $20 final offer"
"Sorry," I told her, "but I don't negotiate with Tarot-ists."
What do you call a 400 pound alcoholic?
A heavy drinker.
Recent advancements in Artificial Intelligence, or A.I., have caused much concern and controversy, yet is still preferable to what most people possess, which is I.I.
Imaginary Intelligence.
A magician was working on a cruise ship.
A magician was working on a cruise ship.
Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said "Okay, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side.